Sola
https://open.spotify.com/track/3doK7YkkgMtfD6qoXCkTWh?si=248dfe1b529c4c05
I think it all started when we were younger.
From the way the photograph glistened against the small lamplight, I could recall the heat of the sunshine against all of us sitting together in that playground as children who had boredom in our heads had we been home.
It had been years since I had even decided to come and open this box full of memories that span a whole other lifetime. I held my free hand to clench my aching chest. That kid who had been me, in either side of you both with features quiet against those two loud beams of smiles that looked almost like the sun itself.
In truth, I do not know why we were friends in the first place. All three of us had nothing bringing us together — all different children with differences. One of us liked playing with toy cars with our fathers in their yard. The other ran and played hide and seek. But I, I didn’t do anything.
I just in the distance stared at the abundance of the sky with none of my parents, who in their own liking worked all day and all night to provide for me and left me to the hands of my grandmother’s care.
But our houses were beside one another in this histogram-like stance, sitting each other in the street block like some continuous phases that never ended. The breeze that came against the grass I laid on alone, both you through the backyard fences separating our homes — you both saw me. The wind kissing the stands of my dark hair, the two pairs of eyes stared with curiosity at this kid who preferred the company of empty skies to that of anyone else.
The two kids became friends sooner than they had with me, meeting at that long white hallway across the entrance of the school. Wide smiles were exchanged, as pleasant as the morning sun. It was too bright for me, who liked the dimness of the solemn moon. I did not want us to be friends. I was content to be alone.
But the two of you rang that doorbell, hand in hand in front of my bewildered grandmother who had wondered who both of you were. Like the honesty that we expect from children, the innocence in your voices when you both expressed the desire to befriend me who had been hiding away in the dimness that escaped the sun in that backyard that had become my neverland in that home.
I gulped hard, remembering the way my grandmother had led you both there. It was as if the sun had arrived to grace itself with the light on that dark place. You reached out your hands to me, making me look up to the both of you. The smiles reached your eyes, looking at me as though you had come to save me from my own lonesomeness.
“Will you be our friend?” The young brunette with eyes like a doe questioned warmly.
“I don’t want to,” I whispered quietly, bewildered at the thought that anyone would make the effort to approach me.
“But we want to be your friend.” The red-haired with green eyes argued, pouting lips. “I saw you over the grass that time. You looked so lonely!”
“And what if I was lonely?” I asked him solemnly. “Isn’t that alright? I like sitting in the grass alone-”
The brunette took my hand and pulled me towards the wide grassy plain, the light hitting my eyes painfully. The red-haired took after both of us, sitting down beside me with arms crossed happily now that the three of us were near proximity in the grass.
“But isn’t this more fun?” The brunette exclaimed questioningly, enthusiastic about the happenings. “The sun is great!”
The red-haired agreed with a smile. “This is more like it!”
I looked at my grandmother who gazed at us from the path towards the backyard with an endeared beam on her face. I think in a way, the fact that two children wanted to be with her grandchild eased her heart. After all, she was not going to be there forever. If my parents were not going to be here, friends at least could become my family.
I who had been so used to the quiet afternoons reading under the sky was now pulled along to play little games in those times, replacing my habit of having to be in the peace of my own existence. Instead, it was now the three of us.
They picked me up every day to go to school so that we could ride the same bus. They called me to the cafeteria so that we could eat well together as well. After school activities, they would ask me to go to the playground with them.
At the time, the picture I hold now, my grandmother picked us up from school as both of their parents were working overtime. This meant that they were staying with us until their parents had finished their day-to-day. My grandmother held the camera, asking all of us to smile.
We eat pizza at my house that night, watching a rerun of an old episode of Pokemon. That night, I realized for the first time that maybe I had been having fun. Looking at their faces, rooting for their favorite characters, my heart fluttered.
This was what having friends were about, I pondered, clutching my heart.
“Did you just smile?” Doe eyes exclaimed, beaming happily. “Ahhhh!!! We got a smile!”
Green eyes shined like the sea in a clear gaze. “Woo! Finally!”
I pursed my lips, ears red at being caught. “I…I didn’t.”
“Liar! I saw it!”
“Ahhhhh, grandma! We should have taken a picture!”
“I didn’t smile.”
“Whatever you say, liar.”
I put the picture away, looking at the small box, and felt my entire world stop at the sight of the broken picture that came after. I bit my lips, tears falling out of my eyes.
“You asked for that picture.” The whisper of that ghostly sight, dressed in all white and in the doe eyes kindly haunting me. A small pained smile. “You said you wanted to see us all together before we headed to college.”
“You’re here again?” I whispered towards the empty space, illusions that could I could not escape enrapturing around me.
“I never left.” Doe eyes shined sorrily. “I never wanted to.”
“Liar,” I say, hot tears falling out of my eyes. “You liar.”
The memories were just as fresh as the now I was living through. It had been the eve of our college graduation, celebrating as the three of us at the same backyard under the gaze of lights that I had installed a long time ago.
I had never expected that our friendship would even go for this long but it did. I looked at the starry night contrasting against the dark night. I was already sleepy, the ceremony went on longer than I had hoped. The valedictorian spoke too long, making a speech that really was just tear-jerking and comedic. Well not to me. I almost fell asleep.
“Your speech was terrible.” Doe eyes laughed, body following as she fell onto the grass. “I can’t believe you dissed your ex too!”
“I wanted to be the one who was mature!” Green eyes sighed, blushing with embarrassment. “My ex literally told everyone that I sucked as a partner! Like, I was a good partner! They cheated on me!”
“You were really defensive,” I whispered, drinking my cola. Green eyes gazed at me. “I almost fell asleep, it was too long….”
“The best part was when you told them how they cheated on the finals.” Doe eyes were now crying from laughter, howling across the grass. “Oh, the poor thing!”
“I needed to be honest! Taking advantage of other people she cheated me with!”
“I can’t believe that’s how we ended high school.” I sighed, rubbing my tired eyes. “We didn’t have time to get good pictures because of you-”
“Alright, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to go over time.”
“Yeah, think about the populace next time!” Doe eyes says, finally sitting back properly with a grin on their face.
“Let’s take a picture,” I say all of a sudden as they looked at me, stunned. “What?”
“Well, you’ve never asked for a photo together before…”
Red hair nodded. “Yeah, I never expected this twist of fate!”
“There’s always a first time for everything.” I sighed. A small smile came to my lips then, a mournful one. “Besides, aren’t we going to go to different colleges after this?”
“I’m not sure yet about what I’m doing, to tell you the truth.” Doe eyes says in a whisper. “I never thought about anything yet.”
“It’s okay.” Red hair smiled at doe eyes. “You still have time to figure it out! We’ll be there for you.”
“I know….” There was something I could not understand with the way doe eyes gazed at us. But I thought it had been nothing. Doe eyes smiled at both of us. “Thank you guys.”
“It’s nothing.” I say in a whisper. “In all honesty, I think I should be thanking you both instead. I never… I never thought I would ever have such friends like you both. And this life. Thank you so much.”
“That’s the first time you’ve ever said that.” Green eyes felt tears falling from their eyes. A smile on their lips. “Thank you for being our friend too. I know we were overbearing,”
“I still remember we pulled you to do everything with both of us.” Doe eyes laughed, tears threatening their eyes. “But, you know….it was all happy.”
I smiled back at them, fully in this time. I nodded. “Yeah…yeah it was.”
“I hope we have more time together.” Red hair exclaimed to us, smiling happily. “Until we are old and grey.”
“I hope so too.” I admitted to the two of them.
Doe eyes merely smiled. “Yeah, me too.”
Joking around for hours after that, till the dawn came to rise and jeer at us with its wide rays upon the world. That’s when we parted and promised to see each other over the weekend, busy with wrapping up for college.
That’s when I heard the news.
“I didn’t mean to.” Doe eyes looked at me now mournfully. “It just happened.”
“You both promised more years with me.” I cried out, my heart opening its wounds from many years ago. “But you….you just left. You just….”
“I was in pain.” Doe eyes admitted to me. “I…I couldn’t tell you.”
“You could have told me.” My vision becoming blurry from the tears that poured. “After you, it was them. Saving someone else.”
“They were younger than me.” Red hair came suddenly, another illusion. Another pair of sorrowful, sorry eyes came to witness my pain. “They were kids. I couldn’t just let them die.”
“I know that. I know and yet….and yet it was so unfair.” I whispered, my body shaking from sobs that had not come out in years. “You both promised….”
“Promises aren’t always forever.” Green eyes gazed at my own, a ghostly smile on their lips. “But we are always with you. As long as you remember us. As long as we watch over you. There is always forever.”
“I’m sorry.” Doe eyes gazed at me, with green eyes speaking as though patting my head with their hand softly like back then too. “That we made you wait this long to show up again. It must have been very lonely, huh?”
“I miss you.” I whimpered, tears falling as my eyes could not hold out anymore. “I’m sorry, I am sorry….”
“It’s okay… it’s okay.” It was as if for the first time, I was feeling the thought of their love once more. “We’re here with you.”
I sunk to my bed, my sobs grew louder as my throat became more hoarse at the thought that I was imagining them again. It had been years since both of their passing, but it is still painful to think that it all had started and ended a long time ago. I fell asleep with the dream. Being in the same place at that backyard where we sat together the first time, wherein a way, was the happiest time.
The morning came upon me, eyes red from the tears kept a long time ago. I sighed, greeting it with my grief aware. The box slept beside me, shuddering with memories that I can never erase. Looking at the ones ripped apart by my grief, I stood up and grabbed the tape.
One by one, I put them together like a puzzle that had been waiting to be whole again. I smiled at the completeness of the photo, as though it was yesterday that we had all been together. I pointed it at the sunrise, the same one that came back to me now with the same joy that had been years ago as two wonders came into my life.
That’s right.
It was never sola.
It had always been nos.
